LONELY NIGHTS

It is nothing to be embarrassed about, it happens to all men at one time or another. It has been happening more and more often to Sasha, however, almost five times out of seven and I am getting a little sick of it. Falling asleep on the couch is nothing to be ashamed of every once in awhile, but nearly every night? And once he is out, there is no waking him, so off to bed alone I go again.

Sasha has the knack for being able to sleep anywhere anytime. I do not have this gift and am very jealous of his ability. Early in our relationship, after we had only been dating for two months, he invited me to fly to his home in Wisconsin to attend a friends wedding and meet the family. I was nervous and excited about such a trip and the implications. It should have been a red flag to me when he fell asleep on the plane while we were still on the damn tarmac and had not even taken off yet.

I can always predict when I am in for another night of sleeping alone. The perfect recipe is when we settle in to watch a movie and Sasha lies prone on the couch and I am relegated to the stumpy loveseat. I always warn him that he will fall asleep again and ask him to please sit up in a safer position, but he promises he will remain awake. As sure as rain, he is out before the movie makes it to the climactic middle. One time he was asleep before the opening credits.

In the beginning I used to try to wake him up and coax him into bed. This was always fun, because he sleeps so soundly. I would start with rubbing his feet and gently calling his name and would end with pounding on his chest and yelling full volume: WAKE UP! Every single time he would wake up with a start, never knowing where he was and would actually yell out in fear. For some reason this always made me laugh. I would then plead with him to come to bed and he would always say he would be right there, but then would inevitably fall back asleep on the couch and be there for the duration.

I then went through the phase of making sure he was covered with a blanket and as comfortable as possible before I wandered off alone in the night. Now I just go to bed without a second thought and leave him blanketless thinking maybe the cold will compel him to come to where it is warm and cozy. Sometimes it works, but mostly it is just me and the cats in our California Queen.

I would like to think that his nights on the couch have increased exponentially this last year due to being new parents and the exhaustion that comes with taking care of a baby and not because he simply prefers the couch to my tender bosom. As soon as we get a little better at balancing childcare with getting enough sleep, I will have my husband back in bed with me full time. Now if we will ever have sex again is another matter entirely!

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10 Comments on “LONELY NIGHTS”

  1. Violet Says:

    Have you tried using an airhorn to wake him up? Just a thought.

  2. For-Tart Says:

    Try a porn movie. If he falls asleep during that, death may be close at hand.

  3. aimee Says:

    haha! I hear you sister!

  4. Andria Says:

    I would just go into the living room, turn the stereo up and start playing music he hates. I’ll just take a guess and assume he hates the Bee Gees. Throw on some “Stayin’ Alive” and see how quickly he runs to the bed. In fact, I can burn you a whole disc of Songs To Get Him Off The Couch – including the Bee Gees, Wham!, Neil Diamond, The Spice Girls, Marky Mark, KC And The Sunshine Band, and many more!

  5. Mindy Says:

    I, too, am a Couch Sleeper. Not as bad a Sasha – yet – but if I lie down on the couch, it is almost guaranteed that I will fall asleep. I have been a Couch Sleeper since I was a toddler. There is a comfort in falling asleep on the couch that is unmatched by any bed. The only advice I can offer is for you to get a large, extremely comfortable sage colored sectional sofa, with enough room for you, Sasha and Finn to all fall asleep on, as a family. Also, check out http://catsinsinks.com/ It has nothing to do with couch sleeping, but everything to do with cats in sinks.

  6. Kim Says:

    Oh my god, Tom is the same way!! It does hurt my feelings after a while, not to mention it is SO annoying. (And I am so jealous too, I cannot sleep very well at all…) But like you said, it is his super-ability to sleep soundly wherever — NOTHING wrong with your ‘tender bosom’!! Maybe you could move the TV to the bedroom, so he falls asleep there instead…? (Or secretly break the couch somehow…)

  7. Wyatt Says:

    I suffer from the sleepies too. I cannot fall asleep on a plane, but frequently on the couch. I hate it, as I don’t sleep well, but when it happens, I am just too damn tired to get up and go to bed. If I do, I cannot fall back asleep.

    Once in a while, I do manage to catch it just right and hit the bedroom and then it is lights out motherfucker!

    Oh, part of my problem is I TRY to stay up and get something done… but that never happens.

  8. madwag Says:

    men are weird… we have a tv in our bedroom… flat screen mounted on the wall at the foot of our bed… it really works a charm… watch movies in bed …and all the shows that we like and when one of us gets tired and falls asleep it’s cool because we are in bed. Suggest the tv thing to your honey.

  9. warcrygirl Says:

    Maybe you could place some small, hard objects under the couch cushions, like a can of beans or a bowling ball or something. Then he’ll be so uncomfortable he’ll HAVE to go to bed!

    I’ve always wanted an airhorn but Hubby won’t buy me one. *sniff*

  10. Megin Says:

    Though it’s ridiculously after the fact, I want to let you know that I am in the exact same boat. Dan could sleep on the cold ground, under a tarp, amid construction debris (and has, in fact). I hate waking him up and trying to get him off the couch and into bed. I’m not nice about it (because I’m jealous of his ability to sleep at the drop of a hat – AND I hate feeling a bit like his mother). I hope things are getting better on this front (but I’m guessing that if Sasha is anything like Dan, things are just the same and I’m sorry for you).


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