COUCHLIST

Reprinted from June 2006:

Perhaps I was in a car accident that resulted in a severe head injury, an injury such that I forgot about being in a car accident. Or maybe a big chunk of brain just spontaneously fell out of my ear or was stolen by the underwear gnomes. In any case, I have not had anything good to write about in MONTHS! Let’s face it; things have never been that great around here.

In terrible desperation, I posted an ad on Craigslist:

WRITE MY NEXT BLOG ENTRY (Seattle)

Reply to: gigs-175674887@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-06-26, 12:36PM PDT

I have a personal website and am brain dead. I invite you to please write my next blog entry on any topic you want: personal, rant, art, political, whatever. Just send it to me and I will post it. Thanks.

this is in or around Seattle

no — it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Compensation: $0

I never expected anyone to take me up on it and by morning I had forgotten all about it. When I checked my email today, I was quite surprised to find two people had actually responded. The first email I got went like this:

“I can do writings for you. Please get bak to me.”

But the second email I got had my next blog entry perfectly typed up and ready to go without any further comments or request to somehow repay the favor. Thank you, Craigslist, for once again being there for me in my time of need, and thank you, strange man, for being willing to help me out.

Without further ado, I present you with:

BLOG ENTRY

I’ve got seventeen fucking free-loaders waiting for me to let them sleep on my couch.

Do you believe this shit?

I go on to Craigslist one day and search for the same thing I’ve searched for for at least 7 months – never with even a single result:

Sectional Sofa
Price Range: $1 – $20

It’s not that I’m a cheapskate. Far from it, buddy.

It’s simply that I want a big, comfortable couch, and I don’t want to spend more than $1 – $20.

Do I think a big, comfortable couch is worth more than $20? Hell yeah, I do. I just didn’t want to pay for it.

I used to own a futon. It wasn’t comfortable.

But no one used to want to crash on it.

I was alone. I was happy. I would sit, back in knots and spine crumpled, on my terrible futon in the peace and quiet of my own home.

Not anymore.

One day, not long ago, there it was, you see, the $1 – $20 sectional couch.

It even had a picture. It wasn’t polka-dotted. It wasn’t plastic. It was nice. I think they called the color “sage.”

Oh, that fucking couch.

I bought it immediately. My email was succinct and stressed my seriousness: “I’ll pay $20!!”

The response was immediate. The guy even offered to drop it off.

“Does it smell like shit?” I had to ask. Why else would someone want so badly to rid themselves of a sage sectional sofa?

“It does not. It smells much like nothing at all,” said the seller.

“Is it terribly uncomfortable?” Aside from stench, it was the only other reason why someone would so badly want to rid themselves of a sage sectional sofa.

“As a matter of fact, it is quite the opposite. It is, perhaps, the most comfortable sectional sofa you’ve ever sat in.”

I simply couldn’t understand, but, since I’ve been taught never to look my $20 sage sectional sofa in the mouth – I quickly sealed the deal with the Craigslister and was the proud new owner of a sage sectional sofa that was, in all truth, the most comfortable sectional sofa I’ve ever sat in.

I invited my friends over, post-haste.

They arrived in droves, excited to finally sit on something in my living room that didn’t cause or irritate spinal injury.

But then, I learned what was wrong with the sage sectional sofa. No one wanted to leave it.

“It’s comfortable. Really comfortable. Can I stay here for a couple of days? My apartment is being bug bombed.”
“My girlfriend has her mom in town.”
“My upstairs neighbor had a water leak, my place is flooded.”
“I got evicted.”
“My roommate bought 3 cats. I’m allergic to all 3 of them.”
“My place got broken into. I’m scared to stay there.”
“I have springs poking me on my mattress.”
“My neighbor plays ‘The Pretenders’ all night long.”
“I turned my bed into a ping pong table and I can’t fall asleep on it.”
“I’ve lost my keys. My spare key was attached to them.”
“There is a ferret loose in my condo. My cousin brought him over and then lost him. It might have run out, but I’m not taking that risk.”
“The cops have been staked out in front of my place for days. It may be the feds, even.”
“I ate some Pringles in my bed and now I’ve got cockroaches. I ate Pringles on my couch too.”
“My wife hogs the bed.”
“My dog hogs the bed.”
“I don’t have any blankets. I wouldn’t feel right taking one of yours to my house.”
“I’m too drunk to drive home. Or at least I plan to be.”

They are clever bastards, too. They keep asking and I keep getting caught in my lies that I made up to tell them no.

I want to enjoy my new sectional sofa. Why should they get to?

Right now, it’s a little past 1am. I’m typing this in my bedroom, hoping that if I’m quiet, they’ll go away.

It hasn’t worked for the past 2 hours, but I’m thinking they’re getting tired. They stopped saying “I got dibs on the couch” about 15 minutes ago.

I’m getting exhausted.

I love that sectional sofa, it’s perfectly muted sage is quite relaxing to the eye.

I don’t know if this is worth it though.

Maybe I’ll try to sell it.

My futon is still down on the sidewalk.

It’s uncomfortable and I’m sure now it smells like shit.

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15 Comments on “COUCHLIST”

  1. For-Tart Says:

    HTG (honest to God) I have the most comfortable sectional sofa in existance. We bought it over 15 years ago after sitting on EVERY sofa in show rooms of furniture stores in the county. The only long term person who slept on it was my BIL. He stayed for six months.

  2. Desirée Says:

    *hee-hee* Don’t know what a sectional sofa is, but I’m still amused. Funny how being contented stiffles ones ability to be creative with words, eh! Human evelution was spurred, I think, by our cranky nature and urge to moan and complain.

  3. Becky Says:

    Oh, love the whole thing. Pure genius to have craigslist do the blogging work for you, and you couldn’t ask for a more awesome result. Would be a great meme to start — ask fellow bloggers in their respective cities to have craigslist writing their blog posts!

  4. Violet Says:

    Awesome!

    I need someone to write my entries for me, too. It hurts to have your brain working all the time.

  5. Violet Says:

    Ooooh, I like the thing that automagically gives me a cool cute icon! How very apropos that I got the psycho rabbit! Wonder what it will be this time…

  6. Violet Says:

    Same thing. I guess I’m just psycho rabbit girl. Well, at least now you’re safe from me posting all day just to see which icon I’ll get next time. 😛

  7. Mindy Says:

    I’ve read this before. I don’t remember where, but I have read it before, word for word. I know this because I have the world’s most comfortable sectional sofa and it is, per the tag when we bought it, “sage”. When I read that before, I thought “Hey! I have the world’s most comfortable sage sectional sofa!”. When I read this entry, I thought “Hey! I’ve read this before!”

  8. cloudy Says:

    Like it says at the top of the post, this is reprinted from 2006. I am occassionally moving some posts from the old site. Sorry for the Deja Vu.

  9. Mindy Says:

    Ha! That explains where I read it before. Well, I never was good at reading the beginning of anything; I always skip ahead.

  10. madwag Says:

    ha ha ha… I LOVE IT!!! You are so cool Cloudy… my hero.

  11. madwag Says:

    my icon isn’t as cute as the others… waaaa

  12. Sarah Says:

    OH, MY GOODNESS THAT IS FANTASTIC

  13. warcrygirl Says:

    HAHAHA! My couch sucks, he can give me his.

  14. teranika Says:

    I had to write to see what icon I get. what better than to get a blog entry about a couch. Couches are just such blog entry material. I love Le List de Craig. (or is it La?)

  15. pantrypuff Says:

    Cloudy, you are a freaking genius to solicit this. And it’s damn funny too :)))


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