We all know someone who is a terrible gift giver. They are either late with your gift or forget your birthday altogether. Most often they give a half-assed present like a gift card. Don’t get me wrong, gift cards are nice and can be generous and thoughtful, but they do fall into the complete half-assery department. It’s like saying that I really could not be bothered to shop for you, now go do the work on your own gift search.

What is worse than a bad gift giver is a terrible gift RECEIVER. We all know one of these, too, and what is worse is that they don’t KNOW they are bad gift receivers. It is a disorder that comes from a deep place, probably brought on by some obscure childhood trauma. I know at least 4 people with this problem. I personally take gift giving very seriously and so I have certain expectations. I was taught proper gift receiving protocol: First compliment the wrapping and then gasp with excitement when the offering is revealed, even if you don’t like it or have one already. A thank you note should be sent within 3 weeks; an email thank you is acceptable, but a close second to a hand written note. Ideally the gift should be worked into conversation at a later date, like: “I use your gift so much, I had to replace the batteries 3 times already!”

The worst is when the gift receiver opens your present, mumbles a thank you and immediately tosses it aside like yesterdays newspaper. My brother is the quintessential worst gift receiver. Not only does he fail to show any appreciation whatsoever, but he goes out of his way to demean your gesture by saying things like: “Thanks for the replica SNL Conehead figurines in their original packaging, but I have no use for them so I gave them to my 4 year old who promptly flushed them down the toilet.” I am not exaggerating. He even accused me of forgetting his birthday the year before, which is fucking impossible, because he was born on the FOURTH OF JULY! That is right, Friday is his birthday and even though I know he will hate whatever I send him, a gift must be sent, so I am totally sending him this:

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8 Comments on “BETTER TO RECEIVE”

  1. eleanorio Says:

    That is sheer genius! You are a genius! I need to send one of those to my brother. I wonder if it would be enough to get us talking again.

  2. poopiebitch Says:

    I would love frozen smiles.

  3. pantrypuff Says:

    Hey, that’s cool!

  4. geekbetty Says:

    I am a TERRIBLE gift getter. I guess it harks back to my childhood, when I never got presents and if I did they came with strings attached. even if I really love something I still come across as stiff and fake about it

  5. Desirée Says:

    LOVE the frozen smiles. Where can I get some??? In fact, it reminds me of when I was a little girl and used to stay at my grandparents. They both had false teeth which they’d leave in a glass of water over night on the kitchen counter next to the sink. It used to churn my stomach no end not to mention terrify me. But it doesn’t end there. No, my grandmother was blind and had glass eyes… need I say more. By the way, my mother-in-law is the worst gift receiver and giver ever. No, but really.

  6. madwagy Says:

    he he he…ha ha ha… that is the BEST gift EVER!!!! He better like it!

  7. Sacha Says:

    That’s the best gift ever!

    I feel a lot of anxiety about opening gifts in front of people. I really do appreciate things, but I have a fear of being theatrical which makes me come off as unenthusiastic.

    My mom is nearly as bad as your brother. Her standard response is, “Oh, I saw these in xxx shop!” The unsaid part being, but didn’t buy them because they are clearly ugly, poorly made, etc.

  8. Kim Says:

    Haha!! That is the most perfect gift for him, you are so smart.

    (I have a couple people like that in my family too; it always hurts my feelings so bad!! But this is a great idea… I am going to look for some of these!!)

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